Periodically think of it if not all, then very many parents. When our child behaves not as it is expected, does not, reacts not so or on the contrary, does not do what all other children already do at this age, we have two questions. The first: what with my child not so? The second: what did I miss where I was mistaken as mom? Let's try to argue and understand.
Who these "everything"?
Let's begin with the word "all". In despair or in anger, we tell something it seems "All children do it!" But objectively speaking, we draw the conclusions, being based only on observation of some other children and also on the general ideas of what is the correct child. So to say, there is a big group of children which in two years tells verses, and there is the same big group which speaks the, "bird's" language. Who is more normal and correct if in both groups of children approximately equally, and to school the difference between them smoothes out to a minimum?
Our sample in general comes down to three-five familiar children about whom we know that, for example, they expressively read verses on a stool. At the same time we forget that we do not see problems of these children. And that there are no children without features I am sure. There are only insufficiently attentive parents.
You will never be rather good
I have two children. They different and both in something do not fit into norms. And that disturbs me — so is what even two loving grandmothers do not accept their such what they are. Especially senior, preschool child. I often criticize the son, he seems to me such big in comparison with younger. But having communicated to grandmothers, I understand: my criticism — anything in comparison with their opinion, opinion of representatives of society.
I accept the children as is and I do not look for in them defects. I see their features and tendencies to help where it is necessary. And sometimes I think if to me it is painful from a thought that the family does not accept children, what will be felt by children, having become especially slightly more senior? Why our society is so intolerant concerning any, even the slightest distinctions?
To compare to a standard, to estimate and blame "lagging behind", "not such" is a hobby of the missing citizens. Do we have to, mothers to follow the tastes of these people and to adopt their point of view on own child? I think no.
I think, we presently, parents, have to change the general situation in society. We have to speak about acceptance, about importance of understanding of all children, not only "normal". We have to state the point of view to people around directly: yes, my child differs, but it does not make him worse. — does not mean not such worse.
When we and the child are negatively estimated, we worry. We begin to study articles, tables of norms. We try to understand, whether all as it should be whether the child fits into set by society, psychologists, teachers and doctors, a framework. It is good if it so! It calms and proves: everything is good, I cope, my kid grows and develops as it is necessary. And what if is not present?
If the child does not fit into norms
Once suddenly you see something pugayuyushchy in the child. Some symptom, the disturbing behavior or physical manifestation. That it — is unclear, it is terrible to ask because you are afraid of the answer. Also you cannot share fears with relatives because you know — it will become easier not, and it is possible, it will only become worse. If you have disturbing grandmothers, they will go crazy and will bring together you.
What should I do? My main council — to overcome fear, to look at situations in the face and to try to find the answer. It is possible to find possible answers on the Internet, having listed symptoms which disturb you, and the good expert will help to confirm or disprove your fears. Statistically, most often mothers are frightened by unexpected, "inadequate" behavior of children, especially senior preschool children and school students, but very few people look for the good children's psychologist, being limited as a result only to anonymous communication at forums of mothers.
But kind of to you it was terrible — you descend to the expert. Only this way you will be able to accept the existing situation, to cease to suffer uncertainty and at last to begin to work, really to help the child, as well as it befits mother.
Such, as all: to be or not to be
At the moment me as mom such question worries here: and what if in attempts at any cost to bring closer the child to certain "standard model of the normal child", we something in him pull down? Suddenly he loses something important what distinguishes it to the best?
We constantly go on a phrase "all children different", but at the same time we want them not strongly to differ from each other. That all of them did equally well and behaved quietly and modestly.
Categorical nevpisyvayemost in a framework
Remember yourself in the childhood, teenage age and youth. Me, for example, very long worried that will think of me how I look. I wasted many efforts to fitting into collective, not to be worse than others, not to do and not to tell nonsenses. But all the same, periodically control over itself weakened and I did something that did me by subject to close unfriendly attention. "What is with me not so?" — I thought at such moments. Now I know the answer.
Being teenagers, then young people, we very much try to keep within a certain framework, to join successfully a desirable circle of contacts. But at someone it turns out easily, and at someone it is much more difficult. I call it "a chronic nevpisuyemost". Yours "I", your real personality appears more and more widely than legal norms, from here and all incidents forcing to be ashamed then themselves. We want to be accepted that we were loved and were happy with us and therefore it becomes twice sore if it is impossible.
There is one more important point of aspiration to be "normal", the aspiration put by society, parents and supported already by you — a problem with search of the "I". Once, to years to 30, the adult wonders: stop, and where here, in all this framework, care of image and other tinsel, I? Who am I and what actually I want? Why I am unfortunate with what I have? How to me to find itself? And to bring together itself real, not crushed by a conditional framework of normality, people time and money, forces spend. So far suddenly it will not become clear that your happiness — in what you liked to do in the childhood and youth, but said to you that all this nonsenses.
Or look at other picture. Around you — hundreds of people, in the childhood who were considered as normal, well fitting into a framework. Someone and has a gold medal for school progress. Whether but many "normal children" with good behavior and decent estimates in the diary became successful, clever, interesting adults? If 15 years later after leaving school to meet the schoolmates, it becomes clear that after leaving school the most part from them goes on a beaten path.
It is frequent to be normal — means to be boring and predictable. And for the children we want that they grew up and led much more interesting and full life, than we. And sometimes this aspiration — to wish bigger, something not such as this daily occurrence, already brings you and the child for a framework of "normality".
So to do to us with "not such" children?
And now, when the main reefs of life "such as all", it is necessary to develop the plan what to do with the children who are really not fitting into norms became known to us.
1. Accept the child it what he is. Regardless of the fact that with him that to you or society in it is not pleasant. Difference of mom from society in what society says: "You are not such. Improve or we will not accept and we will not fall in love with you". Mom says: "I love you just because you are my child. And I can help you to become better".
2. There are things which can be changed, for example, gaps in knowledge and abilities. For this purpose only more time and efforts is necessary, especially from parents. It is impossible just to tell "stop and become better!", that the child in a magic way itself exchanged. No, it is work for both of you.
And there are things that you cannot change because it is impossible. I speak about physical and mental processes in an organism, about diagnoses and syndromes. In this case it is necessary to learn as much as possible about the diagnosis and ways of adaptation and rehabilitation, about how it is treated and that can be made.
3. Limits of norm are very indistinct. Very many states have no diagnosis, but create difficulties to children while parents do not understand in what a problem. For example, if you read the list of symptoms of a syndrome of Asperger, then without effort catch at yourself five-ten pieces. What from this will follow? Perhaps, at you it is valid it is, but perhaps and is not present. It is only an indicator that all of us... different! We differently perceive reality and we react to the events.
Someone considers Asperger's syndrome mentioned by me a high-functional form of autism (frightens, the truth?), but many researchers do not carry this syndrome to diseases at all — because it can be only the feature of a brain which is not doing the person is worse, but doing it it is a little another. And suddenly able to become advantage if you know the strengths.
The task of mom of the special child (I mean the person, not the person interested to keep within the framework set by society by the word "special") is not to criticize it and not to press, society and so will make it for you, do not worry, and to trace, write down its features and to think how to modify it. Softly, with love, through games, creative joint classes, positive motivation.
4. Look for strengths. At first you make the list of what disturbs you and think over the plan of correction. Then surely find in what talents and strengths of the child. What he loves, is able, than is interested that makes it happy. Happiness here — the main word.
The harmonious and balanced development looks approximately so: you tighten weaknesses of the child, using his motivation and interests in strong areas. For an example: to improve technology of reading the son, I buy books about cars with stickers. And though he reads quietly now and uncertainly (he is a preschool child, but at school it would be zapilit already remarks), I do not stick "read more loudly!" Because the main thing in reading — at all not the speed or expressiveness, and understanding of sense and storing. And here we are all right. And if someone does not like the speed and loudness — to me is what to answer this person!
Mom — almost only person at the child who knows him best of all. Use the force and knowledge for the good of the child. Spend the resources not for criticism, and for creation. For what we are necessary?
Yulia Syrykh. Designer. Writer. Mom. Author of the book ""Positive Motherhood or how Easily and Effectively to Grow Up Children""