Any married couple comes sooner or later to a misunderstanding stage which conducts to quarrels, disorders and the conflicts. People who long time were close each other become strangers and cease to hear each other. It is often possible to hear a phrase: "as if someone changed my spouse". What the reason of these changes and how to refresh feelings of the partner we will understand this article.
Why couples quarrel?
Undoubtedly, the relations is a thin sphere in which there are no accurate gradation and classifications of problems, each case is individual. However there is a variety of reasons which traditionally serve as a boundary and lead to mutual understanding loss.
As a rule, it is social and psychological changes, stressful situations or psychosomatic personal problems. But despite this, many psychologists claim — that quarrels not only a normal, but also necessary part of any relations. The conflicts stir interest in the partner, help to support feelings and to know each other better.
The union without quarrels speaks about reserve and mistrust of partners. Such couples are subject to more frequent stains. Very important in time and structurally to solve a problem that it did not develop into deep psychological injuries of which it will be difficult to get out already.
Also read why the husband does not want the wife: problem psychology.
Inability to listen each other
One of "lifebuoys" in the decision of any conflict is the ability to listen each other. The solution will not be found, there will be no its reason yet. For this purpose it is necessary to give quietly the chance to the partner to express and explain the view of a situation. The ability to listen helps to keep balance in the relations and to bring up respect to each other. That the relations did not deteriorate, partners should be open. Agree with darling that you will mutually share thoughts and alarms, to speak about the relations. Here desire is important not only to tell about the experiences, but also to listen to them.
Sometimes one of partners interrupts the interlocutor and does not allow it to finish, is false including that knows what the monologue will end, but it is incorrect. To improve the bad relations, try not to give in to emotions and not to interrupt the husband even if you do not agree with his opinion. Listen to the end up to the end and only then parry, without becoming personal.
Important! At you it will never turn out to adjust the family conflict if you are not ready to listen, and you wait for the turn to tell. Try to focus attention not only on yourself. During the dispute think of all participants: about the spouse, children, relatives, friends to whom quarrel consequences extend.
Often the conflict can arise for the reason that one of partners considers that "soulmate" will not tell anything new, and, continuing to go about the own business, loses conversation "thread". As a result through some time there is a quarrel, and the fact that the loved person throughout long time tried to inform is the reason, but it did not appear heard.
Family psychologists also say that often people are subconsciously not interested in the solution of a problem situation because they are busy with the internal problems and try to solve them due to interference in them of other people. In this case they also do not hear the partner because at this time are busy with the thoughts.
House efforts
Not for nothing in the people the expression "goes the family boat crashed against life". Fantastic idea of eternal love breaks as crystal against cares and everyday duties. The relations is a complex structure which it is necessary to build and learn to cope with vicissitudes of life together. Often couples after begin to live together, recognize each other in a new way. Each person builds life as that life in which it grew since the childhood. And as two identical families are not, there is a collision of two systems of customs and rules. Most often spouses quarrel because of inability to distribute duties, unwillingness to meet halfway and perform operations which are undesirable to them.
Historically it developed so that the bulk of house efforts depends on the woman. The thought is habitual to the man that everything occurs without his participation that everything is smoothed out, laundered and prepared. As a result of overfatigue and performance of too many functions the wife "breaks" on the spouse.
Whether you know? Official statistics as of the end of 2017 says that in the territory of the CIS countries every second marriage comes to an end with a divorce. From them the greatest indicator, namely 28% of couples disperse after 10–19 years of joint life.
To cease to swear if to you it is heavy and you do not cope — try to talk openly about it to the husband. Explain that you do not have enough time for all duties and agree about what of functions the man will be able to adopt on himself.
To return harmony to the relations try to distribute duties evenly at the beginning of the relations. Do not dare to become the heroine of jokes about the quarrelsome wife who is dissatisfied with everything. To such wife there is no wish to come back home after work, at partners feelings become dull and they uvyazat in constant showdowns. The woman has to have enough wisdom for maintaining balance: on the one hand, not to allow the man "to give legs", on the other hand, to cease "to saw" him. Respect for harmony will keep ease in the relations, ease and tender feelings to each other. And again this most difficult task lies on the woman's shoulders.
Transferring of fault and concealment of offenses
Many lovers throughout long time developed a habit to suppress offenses, to pretend that nothing occurred and to live further. But so cannot long proceed. The man gets used to the idea that to him everything escapes punishment and uses it, sometimes unconsciously.
Suppressing each offense — the woman moves away from the spouse on one step. The harmonious relations assume mutual support and trust. Opening the emotions, the woman shows what trusts the partner. The ability to share the experiences will help to return former feelings.
Read also about the best ways for excitement of the husband.
Even if it is heavy to forgive if so upset one could cry — it is necessary to be able to speak about it. Without scandals and uncontrollable emotions it is necessary to classify the spouse in what he is not right why to you sick and to agree not to allow similar situations in the future.
During another conflict do not exculpate yourself. Two are always guilty even if you do not find the reason at once. If your spouse is not ready to take the first step to reconciliation or recognition of a mistake, approach it and admit to the first: "Darling, I am guilty that... also I apologize at you, but you were not right because...".
Pride and ignoring are inappropriate here. The type of thinking of the man prefers specifics. If you do not admit at once that to you it is painful, he will never guess it. Give to him the concrete facts and their consequences, and be sure that you will be heard.
Children
Appearance of the child is a new critical stage in life of any family. Ability to keep balance and to keep the relations after the delivery are the real check on durability. It would seem how this "lump of love" can affect your relations.
But it, undoubtedly, the wonderful event is a serious psychosocial factor, between you and your spouse one more life appeared. The man and the woman begin "to get used" in a new way to each other and to fight for authority on family. At first the stress is connected with the fact that the new life form takes away all attention to itself. Mother, undoubtedly, devotes all herself to the child and sometimes the man passes into the background. Feelings of happiness at the husband are replaced with unconscious offense because of what he can devote more the time to friends, work, anything if only not to be at home. At this stage of couple often face unfaithfulness. Not to allow your life to be developed thus, the spouse has to share with wisdom love for two and show to the husband that he to it is important now more than ever earlier.
Quarrels can also arise because of overfatigue and a sleep debt from what annoyance follows. Try to distribute parental responsibilities so that the man helped with performance at least of several of them. It is after the delivery important not to forget that for each other you not the father and mother, but the husband and the wife.
Concentration on the child and data of all forces only on his education will kill the romantic relations and will turn life into a final routine. Spouses will begin to irritate each other, to specify as it is correct to raise children. Often such quarrels develop with connection in them other relatives. From it scandals and the conflicts with negative consequences will appear.
Important! It is very important to refresh mutual feelings, to maintain passion and the sexual relations. Give each other romantic parties by candlelight, you spend time together, you watch favourite movies, warm up your mutually feelings, you always remember that you first of all the man in love and the woman.
Money
Family quarrels because of money arise because of the wrong distribution of the family budget. To avoid quarrels in the future at the beginning of joint life it is necessary to decide on the type of joint investments suitable you (it can be the general, serial, separate).
There are four common causes of quarrels because of money:
- One of spouses is dissatisfied with what the second (as a rule, the spouse) earns a little.
- One of spouses is dissatisfied that the second (as a rule, the spouse) spends too much.
- The spouse, being a housewife, it is dissatisfied that the spouse leaves few funds (or does not leave at all) for pocket expenses.
- Spouses get involved in the conflict because of division of inheritance.
If the relations are not got on for the first three reasons (or they already arose), make a financial experiment. As you need to understand expenditure, it is necessary to begin with their detailed study. Make the table of income and expenses, having distributed them on groups. Let each of partners within a month write down all the expenditure and profit. The purpose of an experiment is not examination who spends more, and the analysis of your expenditure. After the expiration study the table, think on what expenditure it is possible to save and how to distribute expenditure next month what of expenses were obligatory and from what it is possible to refrain. On the basis of indicators choose your type of the joint family budget and reasonably you approach its maintaining.
The fourth reason is a separate subject of study. The conflicts because of inheritance are the most widespread financial conflicts after which big percent of couples comes to the decision on a divorce. People who long time stayed in marriage become strangers, and in certain cases even threaten each other. If you are vvyazana in the conflict because of division of property and everything went too far, try to address together with the partner the family psychologist.
Whether you know? Those conflicts which come to an end with laughter are positive. The protective form of mentality is so shown. By means of such quarrel both partners reduce stress and the collected irritation. Such conflict performs function of peculiar "reset".
Jealousy
Quarrels because of jealousy were, is and will be always. How many works of arts — pictures, novels, poems — were born thanks to this bright feeling, to remember at least "Othello" Shakespeare. Most often this emotion is connected with men, but at women it can be shown even more brightly and more unconsciously. The jealousy can be two types: healthy and chronic (pathological). If in the first case it has logical explanations, then the second case is critical and leads to destruction of marriage and self-destruction.
The healthy jealousy is shown if there are real reasons for its emergence. Quarrels in this case also have a logical explanation and they are inevitable. As a rule, couples choose two ways: to forgive (if the partner to whom changed is ready for it and both spouses are sincerely ready to change life to the best), to leave (if treason caused pain and a distance of spouses from each other). The chronic jealousy is a disease. Very much the popular belief "is jealous, means loves" that it a priori is the wrong statement. Having pure feeling of love for the partner, it is necessary to trust it completely. The jealousy is connected with fears and complexes: "I am jealous because I am afraid to lose", "I am jealous because I am afraid to remain one", "I am jealous because I am afraid that I am deceived", "I am jealous because I am afraid to lose control".
The chronic jealousy is when you begin to show it without the reasons when actually the fact of treason does not exist and cannot exist. Such manifestation speaks about diffidence and is connected with children's complexes. Constantly winding itself and looking for deception everywhere, you destroy yourself. This negative feeling has property to increase and eventually it dominates over you.
Important! The quarrels connected with constant control and jealousy in 99% of cases lead couples as the partner because of constant mistrust moves away from you to a gap and thus the fact of treason can become a reality.
It is necessary in time to stop and learn to trust darling, the love is a manifestation of exclusively positive emotions, do not soil it negative paints. If, on the contrary, quarrels arise for the reason that control you — try to inform of the same essence "soulmate".
How not to allow scandal?
All people different, possessing the thoughts, requirements, desires and habits. Collision of two different persons as two different elements, always leads to conflict situations. For preservation of peace the husband and the wife have to serve in family as support each other, be able to hear and to help to cope with difficulties.
Life cannot cloudlessly go, it is filled with obstacles and difficulties during which it is important not to move away from the partner, and will learn to cope with them together. Even in such thin sphere as the love relations there are bases and rules of construction of mutual frictionless contact. Experienced psychologists allocate several councils how not to allow a quarrel and how to adjust climate in family:
- To learn to hear each other. It is necessary to acquire the golden rule: "In any unclear situation it is necessary to speak". At the same time do not forget to listen to the spouse in reply, it is also important to it to be heard, and try to choose the decision where win both parties. Learn to concede for the sake of the benefit in family and to recognize the mistakes too. A position "you are guilty, and I spoke" will not lead to anything good.
- Not to focus attention on itself. Your spouse is the whole Universe with the thoughts and interests. Find time for stories about his hobbies, wishes. Be an attentive listener and show interest in everything with what it shares with you. The wife who "pours out" a flow of information only on herself will never achieve sufficient proximity with "soulmate" that will lead to mutual understanding loss.
- To accept the partner's shortcomings. It is impossible to forget and the fact that nobody is ideal — any person has the shortcomings. The ability to accept them, to understand and fall in love is the base for spiritual unity.
- Never to conduct dialogue in an angry state. When the person is nervous and subject to emotions, for him tells his anger. Such minutes you do not control a situation zdravomyslenno and can tell nonsense or make the wrong decision about which you will be sorry. The adequate and sensible way out can be found only in a quiet situation when both partners are not angry. If you feel nervousness, it is better to postpone dialogue until morning when your thoughts come to clarity and sobriety, otherwise the conversation will develop into scandal.
- To allocate the main problem. If you decided on a conversation, allocate for yourself the main problem, do not dare to be distracted by third-party subjects during discussion. Otherwise "little by little", and the commotion of contention rushed in a double progression.
- Always to remember love. If during the conflict you feel rage or even hatred to the partner, remember that it is your native and darling and that dialogue was begun not for scandal, and for achievement of wellbeing and the world in family.
- To be careful with criticism. The criticism should not be shown roughly, it has to have the form of council. If you wish to point to the spouse mistakes, present them so that to point also to advantages. The wife who criticizes the husband in a direct form all the time will hardly be able to prolong for a long time his positive feelings to it.
- To recognize the mistakes and to be able to take the first step. Sometimes for maintaining family integrity it is necessary to be able to fight against the pride. If your conflict developed into long scandal and you do not receive the expected apology — begin with yourself. As it was already told above, two are guilty of any quarrel. If you want to find mutual understanding, overcome yourself, find the fault, approach darling and ask for it forgiveness. Even if this action "not in your style", be sure that to surprise of the spouse there will be no limit. Breaking itself, you show readiness on reconciliation and rapprochement that is the first sign of strong feelings. After that any worthy man will answer you with the same.
- To be able to forgive. Forgiveness can be shown as in household trifles (for example, adoption of inability to do something), and in difficult situations (treason, insult, inattention). Sometimes forgiveness is the most painful and difficult step. A great gift to forgive inherent not in everything, but if the person is really important to you if he sincerely confessed and asked forgiveness, he deserves on that it was given "the second chance".
- In the relations it is important to keep ease and romanticism. Do not turn dialogue into "a serious conversation", begin it with a smile and be sure that to you will answer the same.
It will be interesting to you to esteem what there is a treason, about its reasons and consequences.
How to restore and improve the relations after the quarrel?
When after the quarrel the partners are discharged from each other, it seems to them that and nothing to return back the end to all. Sometimes after the difficult conflicts it is really difficult to return to mutual understanding and the occurred situation seems catastrophic.
Many family psychologists say that quarrels can serve as the development activator for the stagnant relations. If both lovers plunged into monotony of everyday life and both did not try to change anything, their union had no progress and feelings faded every day. The quarrel can become a motivator to further development, a so-called shake-up after which "halves" recognize each other from the new parties and their emotions begin to play new paints. Let's consider the main councils of psychologists how to recover the former relations and to refresh feelings to each other after the quarrel:
- Recognition of fault. Expose the fault and recognize it, promise the spouse not to make a concrete act from now on. Even if your fault is less considerable, concentrate on it and suggest to find a way out of current situation together.
- Sometimes adequately to look at a situation it is necessary to take a detached view of it as Ury William wrote — "to rise by a balcony". On developing reconciliation tactics, time sometimes is necessary. The first days (for someone week) partners are zdravomyslenno incapable to estimate the taken place quarrel, sometimes it is necessary to be able to maintain a pause. Analyze dialogue, put yourself to the place of the partner and think kind of you arrived on his place. When the offense settles and you will be ready for a quiet and benevolent conversation, it is possible to start actions.
- Discussion of the collected feelings. To finish "Cold War", it is necessary "to drop weapon". For this purpose it is necessary to begin to speak. Try to describe your thoughts so that they had both negative, and positive aspect. If it is heavy to make it personally, begin with the letter. At a private conversation the partner can defiantly show indignation or ignoring because of what you will be not heard, the letter will be read.
- Tactile contact. If you are not in a condition of "Cold War", but nevertheless between you there is some tension and both of you did not depart from a quarrel yet, it is very important to restore physical contact. It can be touches, a continence by a hand, strokings, kisses. Contacts play an important role in interaction between people, they soften psychological climate and strengthen communication between people.
- Do not stop to be interested in something. Feelings the person are bright when they belong to the developing persons. Being interested in something (interests do not have to coincide), you move forward and together with you the relations also do not stand still.
- Very important action for restoration of the relations is forgiveness. If you carry on yourself offenses as I carry, you will not have enough forces for starting everything "with a clean slate".
- Continuation of romanticism. After reconciliation do not delay with recovery of romanticism and sexual life. People in love have to be fed with each other. Chuvstenno-taktilnaya communication is the main motivator in restoration of the relations.
Learn also how to understand that the man stopped loving.
What to do if on the brink of a divorce?
Often it happens when it is not possible to find a mutual solution to the conflict and it develops into split of family. Many couples at this stage lose control, lower hands and cease to fight for reunion. It seems that a divorce — it is the only thing to do and there is no road back. Everything is right, you also do not need the road back — you need the road forward.
It was impossible to return the attitudes towards the status "as once", but you and do not need it. To return to the past the degradation, and degradation of the relations means this their direct destruction. When spouses are on the verge of a divorce very important to rethink also themselves, and the occurred situation, still "not everything is lost". What steps can be taken for this purpose:
- Remember together. Family psychologists advise to begin with memories of the first love. Smells, taste, music have property to remind about are certain events. Also and feelings. Remember why you fell in love, try to experience feelings which you had then. Together detail your first meeting, look at photos or video, you go to cafe where for the first time got acquainted.
- Do not compare the couple to others. In each family there are contentions. And if it seems that your friends are happy in marriage, then it can not be true, from us what occurs in family is hidden. Be discharged of any comparisons and go the own way.
- Change together. Often mistakes are connected with traits of character and temperament. Belief that the person over the years does not change, incorrectly. The person is capable to change if he has a desire to do it. Show to the partner that you are ready to change and come to a counterbalance to the past.
- Get rid of panic. Often fears prevent to take a step to reconciliation. Do not give to fears to cripple the destiny. It is necessary to decide on changes "here and now".
- Do brighter sexual life. Sociologists noticed that in a condition of a quarrel or hostility each other partners find more passionate sexual life. This results from the fact that getting used to the idea of the future divorce, the partner ceases to be obsessed that will think of it. Thus, he or it feels more raskreposhchyonno.
Read how to endure a divorce.
These councils are especially effective if partners follow them mutually. Everyone dreams of the sincere and eternal love which descended from pages of fairy tales. But in reality everything develops differently.
In life the image of love is formed first of all of mutual respect, trust and readiness to help each other. Only those lovers who will be able to save awe of love and to carry by through life mutual feeling of gratitude, despite of all obstacles, will find special communication and will become indivisible.