The divorce is a difficult and unpleasant period in life of each of family members. Of course, there are cases when spouses are at a certain end of the resources and at the same time understand that further to them not a way. In that case the divorce takes place smoothly, with feeling of gratitude and sincere wishes of further happiness each other. However statistics claims that more often spouses leave, experiencing negative emotions on the relation to each other. You will find councils in article how to endure a painful divorce.
Possible causes of a divorce
The family is in sight of sociologists and psychologists.
According to the first, are the main reasons for parting of spouses today:
- urbanization of a way of life;
- migration;
- industrialization;
- emancipation of women.
Psychologists after the poll of left note that the behavioural, material reasons and change of feelings lead to stains.
Among the behavioural reasons the most widespread are:
- unpreparedness of spouses to family life in the psychological and practical plan;
- treason, treachery, lie;
- alcoholism and drug addiction;
- criminal acts;
- solution to the conflicts with application of physical abuse;
- absence of children or refusal of one of spouses of birth;
- appearance of other partner;
- irresponsible relation to maintaining the general economy and performance of family duties, unfair distribution of duties;
- disease of one of spouses;
- authoritative style of behavior of one of partners.
Read what is treason: reasons and consequences, types of unfaithfulness.
Treat material factors:
- lack of funds for accommodation that generates a depression, quarrels, tension;
- housing difficulties;
- cohabitation with parents;
- loss by one of spouses of working capacity.
Change of feelings means loss of feeling of love, discrepancy of real family life with expectations, dissatisfaction physically, jealousy and mistrust, difference of opinion on important vital questions, accession of antipathy and irritability, lack of common interests. In risk group there are families at which:
- matrimonial experience of 3-6 years there are also small children;
- the experience of 20-25 years — in such families most often comes the period when children uporkhat from a nest, and parents test an emptiness syndrome;
- the long time is not present children;
- long time there are material difficulties;
- not the love, and, for example, self-interest or other motives initially was the cornerstone of marriage.
Whether you know? In the different countries there are various requirements for those who plan to divorce. So, on Java Island the one who files for a divorce has to plant 5 trees.
Why to endure a divorce with darling so difficult
Some couples understand once that they do not see the joint future together that feelings cooled down and holds nothing together any more. In that case they make the decision to disperse, without causing to each other pain. However most often the decision on a divorce is made by one of spouses, leaving the partner at whom feelings in relation to it did not pass yet, in other words, breaking it heart. At such situation the one who was thrown endures a divorce difficult and hard, having such destructive feelings as offense, rage, desire to revenge, or falling into a depression, despair, heart-searching and sense of guilt. Quite often such person long time amuses himself with hopes that favourite it is possible to return still.
The thing is that the person was not ready to parting and to accepting the divorce fact, to release darling and to put the end to the relations. While the integral conditions of experience of separation is the termination of hopes for return of darling and attempts to return it.
Mental anguish in a smaller measure is caused not by(with) the fact of impossibility to be near darling, to touch him, to see. It becomes more sick because of the notions of compulsion which overcome the person during this period, for example, that he hardly will be able to fall in love now with someone or to start with someone another a family.
Whether you know? The simplest procedure of a divorce — at inhabitants of one of islands of the archipelago of Bizhagosh near the western coast of Africa. The family is considered broken up if the wife threw out the husband's things for a threshold.
Restoration stages after the divorce
Stages of experience of separation are very similar to a cycle of accommodation of a grief and the death of the loved one. Everything begins with shock which denial of the fact, acceptance and grief from loss follows. Recovery takes place long and not easy, there are remissions and aggravations. Below we will describe restoration stages after the divorce which are lived consistently, with transitions from one psychological state to another. Each person after leaving of darling will endure these periods, however their duration is individual. Someone will need on passing of this scenario several months, and someone can live its two-three of years.
State of shock
Accommodation of a divorce begins with shock and denial. The person whom left refuses to trust in the events, looks for ways as it is possible to correct a situation to return everything as was. At this stage most often there are attempts to return darling, and quite often unconscious, silly, humiliating, made against the background of a strong emotional shock.
This stage lasts 2–3 months. Quicker and more without serious consequences the help of friends and relatives helps to endure this stage. Arrival of feeling of anger in relation to a situation, to the partner who became the initiator of the termination of the relations signals about the beginning of the following stage. At this time there is an acceptance of the come true parting fact.
Depression and conscious sufferings
During this period lasting 2–3 month, the person is overcome by rage, offense, wine, hatred, fear, feeling of loneliness, desire to revenge. Later from such surplus of negative feelings the victim falls into a depression, suffers, feels breakdown, energy. It loses interest in life. During this stage most of people resort to attempts of a suicide. Conscious sufferings overcome the person about a month.
Residual phenomena
Further on an extent of half a year about one year the depression and conscious sufferings return periodically and already not so sharply and painfully. Meetings with the former partner in marriage, celebration of any date without it for the first time, an accidental find of the forgotten thing, etc. can be the cause for emotional splashes.
End
At the final stage of people finally reconciles to the separation fact, leaving the lost relations only in memory and feeling grief. To it desire to live, work, go forward comes back, and pain is replaced by hope.
Read how to understand that the man stopped loving.
How to endure a divorce: councils of the psychologist
Psychologists claim that the divorced people, equally both women, and the man become their clients quite often. The request for the professional help allows to be restored quicker, than to live a gap independently.
Each case of a divorce in own way unique. However the person whom left has approximately identical feelings, only in sharper or weak form. We picked up several councils from psychologists with whom they begin the therapy.
To the man
There is an opinion that men transfer parting easier, than women. However it not absolutely so. Everything depends on psychotype of the person and on the one who became the initiator of a divorce. The thrown man separated from children can endure a situation also sharply, as well as women. Men quite often resort to suicides, seek consolation in alcohol and drugs, follow a way of self-destruction. They are covered by hatred, anger, pain, fear, offense. Men usually behave provocatively, retire into oneself, become isolated, do not wish to admit the fact of parting.
Quicker to be restored and get out of the situation with the minimum emotional losses, it is necessary to work as follows:
- To communicate more with friends and relatives. At the same time it is necessary to try not to pour dirt on the ex-wife, and to tell about the emotions, pain. Pouring out it outside, it is possible to keep the health and to save nervous system. It is much simpler to endure a divorce in a circle of close people.
- To give itself full-time job, to find a hobby, to play sports. Negative thoughts can be avoided if on time minimum is to think.
- To believe that parting is not the end, but the beginning something new.
- To go to a travel to be filled with new positive emotions and impressions. The emptiness in soul needs to be filled with something.
- If marriage was with children, to try to keep the friendly relations with the former spouse. If children were not then it is possible to exclude contacts, to block being in social networks and to cease to be interested in her life. There is a good national saying which quickly helps to endure parting: Out of sight, out of mind.
- To refuse illusions, to drive away the memoirs hurting.
- To begin to plan own future, including the most cherished dreams in plans. Goals have to be quite specific, for example, to change work, to promote, visit the exotic country and so forth.
- To find positive sides in the current situation. For example, to describe on the sheet of paper of advantage of a divorce for itself.
- To adjust the mode of communication with children.
- You should not seek consolation at the bottom of a bottle. When alcoholic couples dissipate, the problem will not disappear anywhere. It is only short-term simplification which will only aggravate a situation.
Important! You should not enter at once after the divorce the new relations. Statistics indicates that the communications begun on emotions and desire to fight fire with fire, are unstable and short-lived.
The main thing is to believe that millions of people pass through a divorce worldwide, and after restoration which at each person lasts different amount of time, remarkably live further, find happiness, enter the new relations. Undoubtedly, such period will come also at you.
To the woman
Most of women more difficult and longer endure a divorce. Usually on restoration at them 1-1.5, and even 2 years leave. Psychologists give unfavourable figures: a half of the thrown women test depressions which need treatment, every fourth looks for the help at the psychologist, every eighth has thoughts or attempts of suicide. Such statistics says that to ladies quicker to recover from a divorce, it is necessary to ask for the psychotherapeutic help.
There are 10 councils what to do independently to return to full-fledged life as soon as possible:
- To find occupation which would distract from sad thoughts and heart-searching. It is possible to try to be fond of new business or of what it was dreamed long ago.
- To take the day with affairs and hobbies to the maximum that on grief there was no time left.
- To be engaged in the appearance. As they say, in a sound and beautiful body — the same sound and beautiful mind.
- To try to reconcile to separation as already come true the fact which not to change. It will automatically cut hope for return of darling and predosterezhyot from pain in case of its crash.
- To minimize contacts with the former spouse. It uberezhyot from unconscious emotional steps and statements about which in the future, perhaps, it is necessary to regret.
- To give vent to negative emotions. It can be a talk with the girlfriend, the family, the psychologist, sobbings in a pillow, a ware beating, eventually.
- It is possible to try to help others — the patients thrown by an animal, orphan children, etc. Experiencing others sufferings, you recover from the quicker.
- To communicate with the women who visited the same situation and it is successful it worried.
- To learn to forgive. Perhaps, this the most difficult that can be made with wild mental anguish and offense inside. However without forgiveness of healing will not come. It is necessary to thank being for experience and the happy days spent together and to move further the road.
- It is better not to hurry with the following relations, and to pass to them only in a condition of composure, after complete psychological recovery.
Important! It is impossible to become reserved for a long time at all. There is a big risk that thus it is possible to drive itself in a condition of the victim from which to escape not easy. After the short period of mourning of the relations it is necessary to pass to active lifestyle.
In conclusion of this subsection we will give more vital figures. According to the researches conducted in Great Britain 2 years later after the divorce of the woman endure improvement of health and state of mind, they begin to feel the joy of freedom and life in general. 31% from respondents of 3515 divorced noted that they test a condition of happiness.
To the child
If the divorce took place in family where there are children, then it causes additional problems as it is necessary to find forces not only on the restoration, but also on helping the child to reconcile to the fact of parting of parents and separate accommodation with one of them.
Children at any age sharply react to a divorce. To them it is terrible from uncertainty, it seems to them that their world falls, for them it is offensive. And the most terrible that they first of all begin to blame themselves as it seems to them that they made something like that because of what mother or the father left. Sense of guilt arises at children up to 6 years. At school students of 7-8 years the rage and offense join this feeling. Children of advanced age worry because they are not necessary. And only from 13 years the child can understand what really happened, to understand the true reasons.
The following will be the correct steps of parents at a divorce:
- To offer an explanation to the child in an available form for his understanding of the separation reason, doing it so that he did not feed hope for reunion of family. The version has to be one both at mother, and at the father and also at close relatives.
- To explain and to constantly remind children that there is no their fault in parting. Whenever possible both mother, and the father have to make it.
- To try that children did not appear in the center of trials between adults, especially did not become a bargaining subject.
- Not to express in the presence of the child negatively the former partner and not to incite him against the second parent.
- To spend with children much time.
- To come a form quicker, to calm down as the child, first of all, will suffer from life with eternally crying mother or the angry father. If parents, even separately, are happy, then the child will also be happy.
It is the most difficult to work with teenagers, especially those which stay in such difficult period as awkward age. It is necessary to talk to them much, explaining as why occurred, telling as you will live further now as he will communicate with both parents and relatives.
Learn how you like to understand the person or it is attachment.
Such children need to be borrowed with something — to promote more frequent communication with peers, active occupations in sections, to departure on rest, to trips to other countries, etc. It is important not to assume that the teenager became isolated, discharged. It is worth being ready to rebelliousness, bad behavior. Most likely, to keep psychological health of the teenager, it will be required to attach to the psychologist's conversations.
So, the divorce is an unpleasant and painful moment which comes in life of many families today. To be restored after it it is difficult, but it is possible. It is possible to try to help itself independently, having taken responsibility for the life and everything that in it occurs, in the hands, having used above-mentioned recommendations. If most it is not possible to recover after the divorce, then it is necessary to ask for the professional psychotherapeutic help.