Many parents are sure that the shame is the good lever of education capable to induce desire to stop making any given actions in the child. Actually, the appeal to shame can cause an irreparable loss to mentality of the little person.
Why to shame harmfully
Shame - very strong and unpleasant emotion. Sometimes it seems that having shamed the child, you will be able positively to affect his behavior. But it far not so. The appeal to shame is a way of manipulation which causes negative feelings in the child, belittles his personality, forces to consider itself bad. Styzheniye, certainly, strongly injures the little person, his personal borders are broken, what does not want to be shown anybody opens outside. As a result, the child begins begins to doubt himself, is afraid to make some action waiting for condemnation from parents, becomes lacking initiative, becomes reserved.
Psychologists note that such qualities as diffidence, unwillingness to reveal are characteristic of children who are exposed to a constant styzheniye, they often are confused, feel defective. Such children very sharply react to criticism as perceive a mistake as the proof of the otioseness.
In adulthood the arrogance and boasting is characteristic of such people - thus they compensate internal sense of shame. They suffer from loneliness even if they care for them. For people whom in the childhood often of a stydyla, existence of addictions which they try to quash unpleasant feeling in themselves is peculiar gamblings, shopaholism, overeating, workaholism belong to such habits.
What causes sense of shame
Sense of shame causes in the child not only censure for bad acts. This emotion is caused by comparison with other children. For example, when say that other child studies better or behaves better.
Sense of shame arises also when for the child the total control is conducted - when borders of the personality are broken by shadowing, checks, excessive curiosity. Each person, even at early age, has to have the personal space, the secrets, free time. Otherwise the little person begins to feel diffidence, feels that he is not capable of anything.
Internal stydlivot appears and when parents ignore events, important for the child, his opinion, its achievements and progress. In that case at the child the feeling of absolute insignificance is formed, even the closest people do not support him.
How to cope with desire to shame
For what not to put to the child a psychological trauma which will accompany him throughout all life it is necessary to refuse once and for all this method education - a styzheniye. Worse the styzheniya can be only manhandling.
Actually, children very much early have a function of conscience, and the child himself knows that he made a bad act. First of all the parent needs to discuss with the child why he made this action to what consequences it can lead for him and people around what harm he can do. Such conversations, without reproach of the personality, will help to keep the child's self-assessment, will teach him to foresee consequences of the acts.
The more validly we treat the child, the we conduct more constructive dialogue with it, the easier for it to realize that he did, to accept it and to correct a situation.