The divorce in family where there are children, painfully beats not only the former spouses. All are involved in this unpleasant process: both grandmothers, and the grandfather, and the most important – children. Only owing to age it is difficult to them to cope with a situation, and at adults to look for supports during this period it is useless.
The most terrible when once successful family breaks up, is uncertainty. The fear of the unknown frightens children of any age. In rare families during the divorce the parents have enough courage to talk to children frankly and to explain a situation. Most often children are confronted already with a fait accompli. And it is even worse when the father leaves "battlefield" quietly and without having said goodbye. At family, now such small, new life begins. And the child not always understands the place in it. If earlier they had family weekend, now mother is closed in herself and finds not enough time for children. Or on the contrary, begins to indulge in children, seeking in them consolation or smoothing down sense of guilt before them. Such sharp behavior can only frighten the child. What feelings does he have? Fear, uncertainty, despair, rage, and the most important – to wine.
Whether it is possible to cope with it and to forgive parents? It is possible. It is necessary? It is necessary for the child. The child in such situation needs to understand that he has the right for expression of own feelings. He has the right to tell parents that he disturbs him, even to accuse of something. But also parents have to be frank with it. Of course, it is frankness should not have traumatic character. It is not necessary to tell children that that the father cruelly treats mother or it has a cause of a divorce other family for a long time. And already especially not to accuse each other of all sins at children. Find the neutral reason of your parting.
The child has the right to be angry with the parents. Yes, he considers them by the property, and they suddenly made such serious decision, without having asked it. It needs the habitual cozy world, security guarantees. And it is not egoism, but quite explainable reaction to an exit from a comfort zone. And if in family there are also additional changes (moving, decrease in the standard of living, new school), reaction can be the most unpredictable. But it is absolutely justified. Why adults consider that the child has no right for manifestation of feelings, something has no right to demand. The isolation in itself, especially at teenagers, can result in full dissonance of the intra family relations. There is a wish to shout, accuse to the child parents of all the failures, has the right. But also mother, and the father have to give proper response to such expression of emotions. Not to frighten, not to threaten, and to understand. It is very difficult, but it is necessary to put itself to the place of the child. To you it is painful now and what to him? He is not able to cope with emotions yet, does not understand all situation.
It is worse when instead of open manifestations of feelings, the child plunges into himself. Sense of guilt becomes frequent the reason of it a state. Yes, the child, considers himself guilty that mother and the father do not live together any more. Usually small children aged from 5 up to 10 years are subject to such experiences. During this period neurosises, psychosomatic diseases, nightmares can develop. While such children cannot find ways of emotional unloading, they trust parents, look for at them protection and the help. And in reply receive: "You still small!". But because it small, it is necessary to help it to adapt in a new situation. Adults should learn to behave as adults, and sometimes they behave from the child's position. In a critical, stressful situation there is a wish for other emotional level, there is a wish to leave from a problem. And parents without suspecting that, shift a part of the experiences to the child's shoulders. But such burden to him is excessive. He wants to throw off this negative, and chooses ways various. Also emotional "Ping-Pong" of the child with the adult begins. Only parents can stop this game, having accepted a situation, having understood own child and having ceased to wait from him for unconditional love.